Tag Archives: weight

For The Shame of Living

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Have you found yourself wanting something so badly yet not going after it just because? Or you want to try something new but there’s that small voice asking you “what will people think?”. Better still, you find yourself shying away from the very things you love doing or things that make you happy for no reason? Well, it’s not just because or for no reason, you just might have not identified it yet but it’s called SHAME.

This dawned on me a few days ago. Like I have documented here severally, my weight has always been a sore spot long before I started sharing the struggles from behind a screen. I have tried, failed and continue trying to lose the weight (which I hope it’s a battle where I’d come out swinging) but it never really stopped me from living my life. Or so I thought.

I had never been the paparazzi-picture-loving-kinda-girl from a young age but I was never coy of them either. Until 2 years ago when I stopped taking pictures unwittingly, and when I did, I never posted them to any social site. I had consciously decided to work on losing weight but not on hiding myself through the process until a few weeks ago when I posted my first pictures in 2 years. Only to realize a few days later that shame played a role.

Subconsciously, a tiny voice decided that I was too big to share pictures of myself, what would my friends say when they saw me? what would my parents think? I had let everyone down, not myself but everyone else. This attitude had seeped into my writing sometimes because coming from the cultural background that I do, writers are lazy people and they are broke. I debated for a long time whether or not to share my articles on my social media handles. If I thought the topic was controversial for my followers who are mostly of the same cultural heritage like myself, I didn’t share it and vice versa.

Whether I intentionally thought these through or not, they were affecting my life. I stopped living and went on making any and every excuse possible, most times school was the culprit. Having graduated now, I can’t use that as an excuse anymore. In a few months I would be 30 years old and I want to get there living my life unashamedly.

If you find yourself in the same spot as me, then just like me, you should know it is never too late and get ready to start living your best life. I am an advocate of “live and let live” and I pride myself a pretty open-minded gal for an African, precisely Cameroonian. And at almost 30, I have better things to worry about than what people think of me especially when their opinions are insignificant. My happiness is important and part of it is doing what I love regardless of acceptance, of differing opinions or dissenting views.

We are all clay in the Potter’s hands, that means we are still being molded. I hear it all the time but it never clicked for me until last month – to leave intentionally. For me it means not just coasting along anymore, stop going through the motions and think through all my actions. Part of that is living my truth; while I work on my weight, the reality is this is me right now. This is who is in-front of me and I have to love her before anybody else would, show her off and treat her to moments that make her feel cherished, loved and appreciated. This body too is the temple of God, it is a work in progress and I have no idea when the maker would be done with it.

Stop the shame of living your truth, of being in the way of your own happiness and caring so much what people would say. Live intentionally in the moment and trust the master sculptor to perfect what is good and right in your life. As I wait for Him to finish this master piece, I would be enjoying every moment given me – intentionally. Have a wonderful weekend Lovelies.

The Depressing Effect of My Scale

It is day 2 into the new year and like every body, I am back in full swing with my work out and decision to lose weight. That means for me to know how much I want to lose, I need to know how much I weigh first.

I got on the scale before my workout and found out that I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and that feeling sucked. I was aware that after not working out in such a long time, I had definitely gained all the 10 lbs I had managed to lose in a month and a half, but what I didn’t expect was that I would gain it all back and then some.

Immediately I saw that, panic set in and I started wondering how I will get past the first 10 lbs, then to the 60 and then my goal, the 100. I was overcome by all kinds of emotions. I fell to the floor and cried without tears. I asked myself how I got here again, past what my heaviest was in the past to this new record. I felt pity for myself, sorrow, shame and disappointment.

I have let myself down terribly. I thought to myself there is no way I will ever lose this weight. Where do I begin, how do I continue and will I ever get there?. I was almost giving up and then I told myself, it has been almost 2 and half months since I worked out consistently. I didn’t gain it all back overnight, so I would not lose it overnight.

I got up from that floor and went to the mirror. I lifted my shirt and looked at myself for good five minutes. My stomach is the biggest it has ever been and usually, people always complimented me for not having a big belly despite being big. But I looked and my belly wasn’t only big, it was beginning to fall.

So I grabbed my phone and took a couple of pictures. I got dressed and I started my INSANITY workout videos I have had for almost four months now. It was hard but I pushed myself and I finished the first one. I found myself already obsessing over the next few days and I had to tell myself to calm down.

I will take it one day at a time, one goal at a time and hopefully, it gets me to where I want to be By June at least. I just then decided to set small achievable goals first and then move from there. I will try to work out at least once a day following my INSANITY workout. Go for walks at least twice a week and try to lose at least 2 lbs a week. And to lose at least 10 lbs by end of this month.

I hope it is enough to keep me motivated and I hope I meet these tiny goals so I can progress to the next. My breakfast this morningĀ  was a Kefir blueberry smoothie and I have already drank 3 bottles of water. I pray my head stays up and I keep the big picture in mind to motivate me to make better meal choices today.

My head stayed up today and though my meal choices weren’t great, they were better. For lunch, I had a chicken salad sandwich on wheat bread and I had wheat falafel with humus and some veggies for dinner. I drank a lot of water throughout the day and I had 2 apples for snacks. I just had a cup of green tea and I hope and pray tomorrow is better.

I woke up feeling depressed this morning after climbing on the scale and now, I am upbeat and motivated. I was positive all day till I got bad news but I am thankful it did not deter me. I hope it stay that way. How do you feel today? Any new year resolutions? Goodnight folks

Happy New Year