Tag Archives: trust

For My Sister Merline – I Will Always Love You

Dear Big Sister

I was heartbroken when Dad told me you had finally gone to meet our Creator and Maker; that after 33 years of torment, you finally went to rest. I felt hurt and sad but now that I have fully accepted that you are not here anymore, I am relieved, knowing that you will not suffer any further.

I will miss you my dearest Merline,though I was already missing you while you were still here. You were the big sister that I always wanted and somehow didn’t have because your illness stole your mind, your very self from us. We all grew up watching you struggle, suffer through countless seizures having lost your mind. Mom and Dad told us painfully how you became like that from a ghastly motor accident at a very tender age of 6.

You had to learn to walk again, talk, eat and then the seizures started. That wasn’t the bad part of it, what made it worse was that from that day, Mom and Dad lost a daughter and we would never truly know how wonderful a big sister you could be to us because you lost your mind and sense of self in that accident.

I saw Dad and Mom cry countless times, most times after an incident or when you’d occasionally wander away, asking God to restore you. I couldn’t stand the hurt in their eyes and because of that I learned how to pray. I prayed that God would heal you, that the seizures would stop, that you would get your mind again so that Dad and Mom would have their first daughter again and we can finally have our big sister whole.

When that didn’t happen, I changed my prayer and asked God to relieve you of your sufferings because it was getting harder by the day watching you helplessly. We could never fully tell how much pain you were in because you never complained but it was heart-wrenching seeing you like that day-in day-out. More than we knew it, you were strong and resilient, bouncing back after every episode but never fully recovering or healing.

So I figured if you survived all those years, surely God was up to something.So I went back to Him and asked, begged and cried that he restores you wholly again. Instead I got a call of your death.

I had the picture in my head, of the fun we would have when you finally received your healing. The places I would show you, the things we would do, the adventures we would go, I would finally have my big sister again but most importantly, watching you bond with our parents. My dream never came true. I want you to know a few things though:

You would have loved Mom and Dad for sure. They are not perfect but they are the best parents we could have ever asked for and they have loved you every single step of the way. They never gave up on you, always seeking new treatments and solutions to your ailment. In your short life, you saw more doctors than anyone human being should in their lifetime. That is how loving and resilient our parents were towards you. They never gave up and loved you just as much they love us if not more, because you were their special child.

Know that I miss you. I have been missing you since I was born; missing the older sister who should have been if the accident didn’t happen. Know that I am sorry for the times that I wasn’t a good sister; for the times when I didn’t care for you as I should have because I was always away at boarding school, for the times when I was ashamed of you and failed to mention that I had a sick sister at home, for the times when I stole your birthrights and introduced myself as the first while you were still clearly with us, for not loving you as I should have loved you, Merline I am so sorry.

I was initially angry with God for letting the devil win,for letting the devil have access to you and hurt you  the way he did, for abandoning you. Now I know better, though I will never understand why He let the devil have access to you, I know for a fact that the devil did not win. I know that God did not abandon you, He was always there protecting you from harm even in the seizures. I know that God won because you died a very peaceful death,in your sleep.

You might have not lived the life that was meant for you but even in your sickness, you have left us a legacy. A legacy of how to love someone when they don’t know they are being loved, how to care for someone who is unaware, how to be strong and look to God in the midst of adversity. Apart from being born in a world with original sin, you were blameless, spotless and if there is anyone close in perfection, it would be you. We have lost you on earth but we have gained an angel in heaven. I know you are next to Jesus in God’s kingdom, watching even as I type this.

This is not the healing I was praying God for recently but I know it is not about me but you, and because of that I know you finally got your healing, you are finally free. Fly Angel. We would never forget you Merline, you will live in our hearts forever.Together with God and Jesus, I know you will be watching over us and guiding us. We will do our best to live our lives in your honor.

Indeed, God knows best.

They cheat, I suffer

I am amazing. I am pretty amazing. Those are the words I have been telling myself all morning. I am a wonderful human being. I love people and try to treat every body right. I do extremely well with my academics and I take my work seriously. I try to keep my spiritual on par with my reality and hope that it gets stronger each day. But how is it that as ‘amazing’ as I am, my partners (exes) have never seemed to realize that until after the fact.

You ask what got me thinking about this in the first place? I was talking to my girlfriend last night who just went through a break-up a week ago and was informing she was in a new relationship with a new guy. (by the way, let me just say the dude is all kinds of hotness and then some).

I will admit a part of me was happy when she told me last week she broke up with her boyfriend, which I thought was a little long overdue considering how shady he had gotten lately but I shamelessly said to her ” welcome back to the club girl. The single ladies club”. She knew of course I was joking, unbeknownst to her I meant it in part.

In our circle of five friends, I was the only one who somehow managed to find myself alone with myself. The other three are either married or engaged, so you can surely understand why I was a little happy my friend joined me in the group.I guess it’s true then what they say, misery sure loves company.

After our talk, I started analyzing my past relationships and why they didn’t work  out. The common factor amongst all three of my exes was cheating. The first one cheated with one of my close friends from school. I didn’t even know the second was cheating until we broke up four months after we started dating, courtesy of all the excuses and numerous places he always had to be, and using church as his cover. Now the third one couldn’t have proven the saying that “all men cheat” any better than he did. Weeks after running my unstable mouth to my friends that I could swear he wasn’t cheating on me, it turned out he was cheating after all.

The last ex hurt me more than the others because he knew what I had been through in the name of love and promised to be different.I came to love and trust this guy more than I had ever to loved or trusted any man before, and that was what I got. I should have known better I suppose.

So there I was thinking if there was something wrong with me so much that, all the men I had been with had to seek for the solution outside of our relationship. Was there something more they needed that I wasn’t giving them? Was I not enough? If the first one sought so much to humiliate me, why did it have to be my friend? I am not the pestering kind in a relationship, so what is it about me that kept driving them to other women?

I am that girl who when in a relationship, I give my all. I give 120% expecting that I get back at least 99%. I am sure it is not asking too much for a man to reciprocate my actions in a relationship, now is it? It doesn’t have to be exact reciprocity. Just showing me that you are paying attention is all I ever asked. But somehow, I am thinking that was too much or overwhelming for them. These negative thoughts had been getting a better part of me since the breakup last month and then I had this epiphany today.

It wasn’t me, it was them. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not making excuses for things that after evaluating myself I think could sure use a makeover (hello, my weight loss journey anybody?) . But I certainly cannot allow any man’s insecurities be the basis for my unhappiness. I have since found my glow again after the breakup but I didn’t stop thinking and today, I brought myself closure.

I am a good person. I am witty, strong-minded, driven , caring, loving, nurturing, patient, kind, sharp,  very much a realist as I am an idealist, spiritual, loves to read on broad subjects,  very opinionated , loves adventures, traveling and forgives easily but doesn’t forget. I do have moments of random stupidities, occasional outburst and a very worrisome mind.

So yes, I am amazing but I do not claim to be better than anyone, not even the women who were used to drivel pain my way. But I am in a better place emotionally and mentally than I was last month, last week and even this morning. I have had this particular conversation with myself over and over for the last few days and I am glad I ended here.