Tag Archives: passion

Of These I Dream Of You…

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I know every line on your face; the permanent wrinkles on your forehead stressed from past unrequited love, the dent in your cheeks when you are amused and the crease in your chin when you laugh too hard. I like that these lines are my secret window into your soul; revealing your angst when you’re trying to be calm, unveiling your passion when you’re trying to be brave and showing your tenderness when you’re trying to be tough. I know all the lines in your face because I have dreamt it up more times than I can remember. It’s not only the face, it’s your being and the experiences that sum-up the man you are. Of these I dream of you.

That our meeting would be an epic comedic scene that even Jim Carrey couldn’t conceptualize if he tried to. And whether it’s in public or private, you would have eyes for no one else but me because in that moment, you’d be too entranced by my aura and vying for my attention desperately. Some wooing dates later and we would be an official pair, caught up in our own love story – an extraordinary love affair.

I dream of every moment spent with you being an adventure; that even though we are celibate, we’re comfortable exploring the subject. How you make me feel like the only girl in the world with your piercing glare and how even in the silence, you are one with my soul.

I have dreamed of the fights too and boy do they terrify me. That I would loose the one best thing that has happened to me in a while because of a loud mouth that must always blab everything that comes to it. How the need to assert my independence makes you proud yet frustrated. That all these years later, I never learned how not to pick my nose and how you hate that I am really not as confident as I’d like people to think.

I would dream of you choosing us over and over again when we seem to be at the end of our road. How you’d embrace my family and make it yours, and how you’d be the friend that my friends don’t talk to often but when they do, you had never left. That every tear shed braises your heart to reaffirm to you why you’d try hard to never see them again.

And I dream that home would be anyplace we are together, that you’d cherish my random dancing spurts and tolerate my temporary insanities. That when my weight retreats me into a cocoon, you’d know just how to bring me out. And I’d love how despite these, you’d love me aggressively. I dream that you’d come to appreciate my over vivid imaginations sometimes, because as you can already tell, I live in my head a lot. These are the things I dream of you.

They cheat, I suffer

I am amazing. I am pretty amazing. Those are the words I have been telling myself all morning. I am a wonderful human being. I love people and try to treat every body right. I do extremely well with my academics and I take my work seriously. I try to keep my spiritual on par with my reality and hope that it gets stronger each day. But how is it that as ‘amazing’ as I am, my partners (exes) have never seemed to realize that until after the fact.

You ask what got me thinking about this in the first place? I was talking to my girlfriend last night who just went through a break-up a week ago and was informing she was in a new relationship with a new guy. (by the way, let me just say the dude is all kinds of hotness and then some).

I will admit a part of me was happy when she told me last week she broke up with her boyfriend, which I thought was a little long overdue considering how shady he had gotten lately but I shamelessly said to her ” welcome back to the club girl. The single ladies club”. She knew of course I was joking, unbeknownst to her I meant it in part.

In our circle of five friends, I was the only one who somehow managed to find myself alone with myself. The other three are either married or engaged, so you can surely understand why I was a little happy my friend joined me in the group.I guess it’s true then what they say, misery sure loves company.

After our talk, I started analyzing my past relationships and why they didn’t work  out. The common factor amongst all three of my exes was cheating. The first one cheated with one of my close friends from school. I didn’t even know the second was cheating until we broke up four months after we started dating, courtesy of all the excuses and numerous places he always had to be, and using church as his cover. Now the third one couldn’t have proven the saying that “all men cheat” any better than he did. Weeks after running my unstable mouth to my friends that I could swear he wasn’t cheating on me, it turned out he was cheating after all.

The last ex hurt me more than the others because he knew what I had been through in the name of love and promised to be different.I came to love and trust this guy more than I had ever to loved or trusted any man before, and that was what I got. I should have known better I suppose.

So there I was thinking if there was something wrong with me so much that, all the men I had been with had to seek for the solution outside of our relationship. Was there something more they needed that I wasn’t giving them? Was I not enough? If the first one sought so much to humiliate me, why did it have to be my friend? I am not the pestering kind in a relationship, so what is it about me that kept driving them to other women?

I am that girl who when in a relationship, I give my all. I give 120% expecting that I get back at least 99%. I am sure it is not asking too much for a man to reciprocate my actions in a relationship, now is it? It doesn’t have to be exact reciprocity. Just showing me that you are paying attention is all I ever asked. But somehow, I am thinking that was too much or overwhelming for them. These negative thoughts had been getting a better part of me since the breakup last month and then I had this epiphany today.

It wasn’t me, it was them. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not making excuses for things that after evaluating myself I think could sure use a makeover (hello, my weight loss journey anybody?) . But I certainly cannot allow any man’s insecurities be the basis for my unhappiness. I have since found my glow again after the breakup but I didn’t stop thinking and today, I brought myself closure.

I am a good person. I am witty, strong-minded, driven , caring, loving, nurturing, patient, kind, sharp,  very much a realist as I am an idealist, spiritual, loves to read on broad subjects,  very opinionated , loves adventures, traveling and forgives easily but doesn’t forget. I do have moments of random stupidities, occasional outburst and a very worrisome mind.

So yes, I am amazing but I do not claim to be better than anyone, not even the women who were used to drivel pain my way. But I am in a better place emotionally and mentally than I was last month, last week and even this morning. I have had this particular conversation with myself over and over for the last few days and I am glad I ended here.