Tag Archives: hope

No Inspiration

emoticons-sadFor days I would come here, peruse through this blog and reread past articles and other WordPress blogs. I always opened the blog with the intention to write, topics abounding in my head, so many exciting things I wanted to share with whoever cared to click on the story, but at last; I would stare at a blank page for minutes and sometimes hours without the words, no idea how to begin a sentence. Time after time after time. I did enjoy reading other blogs and discovering new writing styles. So I think it wasn’t all lost.

Is this what is meant by writer’s block? If it is, how long does it last because I have been suffering from this for months. I thought writer’s block was meant to last only one writing session not weeks and months. If it is indeed writer’s block, how do I resolve it having lasted this long. I miss writing and I have material to write about but I just don’t get the inspiration to put my thoughts to screen.

It got me wondering whether there was something else much bigger at play, like say depression? I know it seems a bit far fetched how a lack of inspiration would mean that I am depressed but I had recently lost interest in all my favorite TV shows too; and I have been eating so mindlessly lately. Everyone always becomes a doctor to self-diagnose their symptoms these days thanks in part to WebMD; so imagine my horror when I my fears where confirmed by the good internet doctor.

In all honesty, I haven’t been myself these last months and that is putting it lightly, but I also know I am not depressed because that is not a very good place to be and I refuse to go there. I generally feel lost most times and I know what I am supposed to be doing but I can’t bring myself to do it. Instead I focus on all the wrong things; my distraction is so alarming I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I am just surviving and not living my life, and it is annoying.

One of the unintentional habits of mine I had hoped to quit is stop quitting. I took a hard look at my life and I wasn’t happy with what I saw. Apart from my education,  I always start a project but never see it through;countless times I have stopped a project half way without reason or even without intent. If I had a penny for every project I unconsciously quit, I would have a hefty bank account. This bothers me because I am not a quitter, at least not intentionally.

So in hopes of holding myself accountable (another thing I have tried severally but failed), I got a planner today to write my intentions down. I learned this from my management class on Tuesday that to see anything through, you have to have a timeline of events and the only thing to help with that is planning ahead using a planner. I am barraged with ideas and things I would love to do everyday but I am scared I would start only to leave them half way.

As I have read, baby steps is the way to go, meaning small things first which is why I am very ecstatic about being able to write a full post today. I have read quite a bit about people feeling lost and finding themselves again. This is me trying to find myself again on WordPress. Most of my exciting moments I can remember where always when I wrote a full post and published it. I can’t wait to see how I feel after this.

If there’s anyone out there who feels this way, care to share how you got through it? Thank you again to my WordPress fam for always coming through even when you had no idea you did. To all the bloggers out there whose blogs kept me entertained, educated me and motivated me; blogs like Naked Christian, TantoVerde: Simple. Delicious. Vegetarian, Talking to My Weight Loss Counselor – God, Stories without Border and so many others, thank you. Thank you because you have no idea how many times you came through for a girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Myself In 2014!

2014 ends in two days, ushering in 2015. In the last weeks leading up to the new year I have been doing a lot of reflections. Sometimes consciously and other times randomly. It wasn’t so much of a great year for me as I had hoped. So many challenges I faced and so many new things I discovered about myself this year.

Just two days ago, I was having a slumber party with a girlfriend and we got talking about men and relationships and I realized, I am totally okay being alone. After my breakup in January of this year, I got the chance to go on a few dates and meet different men, but not once did I feel the pressure to say yes to their proposal of a relationship. It took 2014 to make me understand the reason why I got into a relationship that almost ruined me a few years back was because of pressure, the need to belong.

I had been going through a dark time that year especially and nothing seemed to work in my favor. Every where around me, my friends were all happy and achieving great things and meeting amazing men and I literally had nothing going for me. I felt like a failure, which pushed me to get into a relationship with someone I knew from the beginning wasn’t right for me but did it anyways because I was desperate to show people that I was capable of getting a man too.

This year though I discovered a whole new me in that regard. I had two friends get engage this year, one got married and two had babies, all happy events and from the bottom of my heart, I was and I am happy for my friends. But I did not feel the pressure of trying to get with the next man as if I had something to prove. It felt good to go on a date without the expectations of it turning into something more.

I have always been an introvert, never liked parties or being in huge crowds but I was made to feel as though something was wrong with me for being the way I am. It is not that I don’t like people’s company, It is that I like my own space and I am more of a one-on-one social person instead of the crowds. So this year, I discovered nothing is wrong with me and just as it is normal for people to enjoy being in crowds, it is as much normal for me to enjoy my own space.

I discovered that it is completely okay for me to say how I feel and I am especially thankful to WordPress for helping me find my voice. When I started this blog, I knew what I wanted it to be about, to share my challenges and experiences and hope to encourage someone or be in turn encouraged, but I was afraid. What if nobody even bothered to read, what if people criticized me instead or didn’t accept my views? But I realized that not every one has to like me, not every one has to accept my views and yet, I am totally and completely allowed to have those views, to have a voice, to say what I feel whether or not anybody reads.

I discovered that sometimes, you just need to go with the flow and not plan every detail because half of the time, it never works out the way we intend to. All the resolutions that I had for 2014 practically never materialized, not one. So for 2015, I have nothing. No resolution. Except to live, take it one day at time and embrace the changes if any as they come. So much I want to do but no plans or resolutions, I am going to live them and do them as God gives me life.

I discovered that despite my best efforts, things would always go wrong. The financial challenges this year were enormous. Twice I was close to being homeless and I am still bordering on the gate right now and this is despite my best financial responsibilities. I am not one to misuse money or spend frivolously and I always budget my funds, somehow, it is never enough. I have learned to deal with the uncertainty better. Before I would be freaking out and be near a panic or anxiety attack but now, I take a deep breath and calm myself down, because a solution I found only comes when I have a clear mind.

This year I discovered the power of God and that despite my good plans, His plans are always better. There is this game the devil always plays, at least I know he does with me. When he knows that I need something badly from God and I don’t get it, he plays this trick with my mind like “maybe he is not listening to me or he doesn’t think I deserve what asked for”. Soon after, I would feel beaten down, defeated and a looser. Thanks to my mother, now I know better that when a prayer goes unanswered, it is not because God is ignoring me or He thinks I don’t deserve it. He gives one of three answers always , yes – when He approves of my want, wait – when the timing for my want is not right or no – when he has something better, a better plan for me.

By many standards, whoever is judging, this year would be termed a failure for me but I take it in stride with gratefulness to God for having allowed me to see this year and hopefully the next. I may have not achieved half of the things I hoped for but I guess that’s the reason why the saying “where there is hope there is life” exist. If I were to attempt at a resolution this year, then it would be to “live my best life” as Oprah would say it. To grab every opportunity which comes my way, to look at the bigger picture always while savoring the moment I am given, to be a better version of me this time next year, to be a better daughter, sister, friend, and especially a better CHRISTIAN.

Do you care to share your reflections about the year? What did you discover about yourself? What are you grateful for?

Happy New Year to all and see you in 2015.

The Depressing Effect of My Scale

It is day 2 into the new year and like every body, I am back in full swing with my work out and decision to lose weight. That means for me to know how much I want to lose, I need to know how much I weigh first.

I got on the scale before my workout and found out that I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my entire life, and that feeling sucked. I was aware that after not working out in such a long time, I had definitely gained all the 10 lbs I had managed to lose in a month and a half, but what I didn’t expect was that I would gain it all back and then some.

Immediately I saw that, panic set in and I started wondering how I will get past the first 10 lbs, then to the 60 and then my goal, the 100. I was overcome by all kinds of emotions. I fell to the floor and cried without tears. I asked myself how I got here again, past what my heaviest was in the past to this new record. I felt pity for myself, sorrow, shame and disappointment.

I have let myself down terribly. I thought to myself there is no way I will ever lose this weight. Where do I begin, how do I continue and will I ever get there?. I was almost giving up and then I told myself, it has been almost 2 and half months since I worked out consistently. I didn’t gain it all back overnight, so I would not lose it overnight.

I got up from that floor and went to the mirror. I lifted my shirt and looked at myself for good five minutes. My stomach is the biggest it has ever been and usually, people always complimented me for not having a big belly despite being big. But I looked and my belly wasn’t only big, it was beginning to fall.

So I grabbed my phone and took a couple of pictures. I got dressed and I started my INSANITY workout videos I have had for almost four months now. It was hard but I pushed myself and I finished the first one. I found myself already obsessing over the next few days and I had to tell myself to calm down.

I will take it one day at a time, one goal at a time and hopefully, it gets me to where I want to be By June at least. I just then decided to set small achievable goals first and then move from there. I will try to work out at least once a day following my INSANITY workout. Go for walks at least twice a week and try to lose at least 2 lbs a week. And to lose at least 10 lbs by end of this month.

I hope it is enough to keep me motivated and I hope I meet these tiny goals so I can progress to the next. My breakfast this morning  was a Kefir blueberry smoothie and I have already drank 3 bottles of water. I pray my head stays up and I keep the big picture in mind to motivate me to make better meal choices today.

My head stayed up today and though my meal choices weren’t great, they were better. For lunch, I had a chicken salad sandwich on wheat bread and I had wheat falafel with humus and some veggies for dinner. I drank a lot of water throughout the day and I had 2 apples for snacks. I just had a cup of green tea and I hope and pray tomorrow is better.

I woke up feeling depressed this morning after climbing on the scale and now, I am upbeat and motivated. I was positive all day till I got bad news but I am thankful it did not deter me. I hope it stay that way. How do you feel today? Any new year resolutions? Goodnight folks

Happy New Year