Tag Archives: fear

When Life Doesn’t Throw You Lemons

Here I am making a yet another comeback after months of being away. This was totally unplanned and unprecedented. I missed the WordPress world, reading other powerful articles and I missed writing. It has been a few rough months, I tried to pick myself up and write but even inspiration eluded me.

I had an outlook of how I wanted to spend my summer. I had planned to read ten books; broadening my genres further, volunteer more, learn Spanish, write an article every week for my blog since I was out of school the summer and get to know other blogs and bloggers. Alas, my outlook didn’t materialize and my reality was a lot grim.

There is the saying that “when life throws you lemons, you make lemonades”. I happen to love lemonade and so I will squeeze the juice out of those lemons to have as much lemonade as I possible could but what do you do when life throws you rotten lemons? I have always understood that expression to mean that when things don’t quite pan out, make do with the situation.

It has been a rough few weeks which I totally didn’t anticipate. The company I worked for wasn’t doing so well, so a lot hours had to be cut. The moment I got in on that information, I started looking for a supplemental/replacement job. I should have started sooner because my hours kept reducing to almost nothing and I couldn’t seem to find another one quick enough.

My friend dubbed me the “the interview pro”, that’s because at some point, I was going for at least one interview every week. Things became extremely hard, my bills kept piling up yet I wasn’t seeing a way out. Thankfully my lease was ending in May or I would have been thrown out, I had to make the hard decision to downsize from my one bedroom apartment to getting roommates.

By June, my car was almost repossessed until a family friend step in and took care of the car note for me.My last month living alone was almost a nightmare; a lot of my bills were past due which meant I had no water, no electricity,  no heat, no gas, no internet. As if that wasn’t enough, things seemed to only worsen with my boyfriend  and my family drama was unending.I was living a nightmarish dream which wouldn’t stop.

I am one of the most optimistic people I know; friends and coworkers would say I am that person who laughs even when nothing is funny or even when there is nothing to laugh about. In any difficult situation, I always find that I am the voice of hope, encouraging people, motivating them and assuring them that it will all be ok. But when it was time to be optimistic and stay positive for me, I checked out.

I have never been so scared in my life. I agree that there are people facing even tougher situations than I did but the truth of the matter is, our realities are different. My reality maybe a walk in the park for them whilst theirs might be a trip to hell for me. Oh the things we take for granted. Who knew not having gas to make a decent meal, or just hot water to shower or money for gas to get to an interview could be so threatening.

If that was God’s test for me, I think I might have failed woefully. I have been through a tougher situation than this but I think anytime your livelihood is threatened, you panic and that is exactly what I did. It was difficult to stay optimistic when all those interviews weren’t translating to offers, it was hard to stay positive when I wasn’t sure how I will make the rent and other bills and definitely hard to laugh when you are showering in -2 degree water in a 30 degree weather.

I should have known, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20. My God had me the whole time. I didn’t get to pay those bills. In fact, they are still piling up but the most important things that I couldn’t do without like a roof over my head or my car to take me on all those interviews were taken care of. He put people in my life who helped me just in the nick of time. They helped me out of the abundance of their hearts but I also know without a doubt that God put it in their hearts to come through for me when they did. I am so thankful to them and forever grateful to the God I serve.

I didn’t get the job I wanted but I got two part time jobs that are paying my rent and car note so far. Still looking to find something better so I can start paying off my debts (the past due bills). I thank God for the wisdom He gave me to downsize, I would have still been in the same hell-hole.

Things are beginning to look up, I am getting back to that bubbly girl that I know. Things might not get back on track fully as I want them to but I hope I don’t loose myself anymore in the chaos. I missed me too. I missed the girl who bursts into spontaneous laughter at silly thoughts, who makes light of every situation, who sometimes cries and laughs at the same time. I got too overwhelmed with my issues that I slowly started leaving a sour taste with some people. I missed the motivator in me, the encourager, the supportive one.

As they saying goes better late than never; we just started July and I have decided to catch up with those goals and do as much as I can before the summer is over. This has strengthened me for any future trials which I do not hope for, shown me my true friends, taught me to be more appreciative, to never loose myself amidst the chaos and most importantly, God always has my back. He is always working intricately behind the scenes making sure I don’t drown and even if it got to that, He would rescue me. This I know for sure.

Happy July Fourth Y’all.

Communicating Assumptions

We are an ever busy society, constantly on the move and we never almost have time to meet with friends and family to have a decent time together, face to face. These days even phone calls that used to be the “in thing” have become so obsolete. You would think that with social media inventing all these forms of communication that now exist, that it would make it easier for people to communicate their feelings across but that is not the case.

One of my girlfriends got crossed with me two days ago because she came to my house to visit and I wasn’t home. I asked her “well, why would you come to my place without alerting me before hand?” and she said, since I had told her I had the day off on Martin Luther King day, she figured she should come visit. That sounded for lack of a better word foolish to me;why would you assume that because I have the day off, therefore I will automatically be at home? I like to think that typically, especially on this side of the world, a day off is when you catch up to all the other errands that suffer during the week when I can barely squeeze out time to do them.

This led to me remember one time when a close friend was mad when I said we were not dating. I had met him about three months prior through a mutual friend. We were introduced casually and we got talking. I liked his company and we shared  quite a lot of interest. I could tell from his gestures and things he would occasionally say that he wanted us to be more than friends but he never voiced his feelings.

So I recounted a story to him about my uncle asking why I was still single and he asked me in the most surprised and flabbergasted look I had seen in a long time if I was really single. I was then taken aback, wondering if he asked me out and we were dating, yet somehow, he was the only one privy to that information, to which he said, he thought we were dating. Assumptions Assumptions.

Why would anyone put themselves through that kind of emotional torture? Why would you be having a relationship with me in your head without telling me? Why can’t people just pick up the phone and communicate their thoughts to those whom it is directed towards? Why?

I have been there before when I had something to tell someone and it felt like the most daunting task I would ever take on. Not sure on the receiving parties reaction, uncertainty, fear of loosing the friendship/relationship, and just plain fear of rejection are usually some of the reasons that make it a burden to communicate those feelings .

I found that if you have difficult information to tell someone, it doesn’t matter how well you sugar coat it, if it is bad news/information, it is going to received as such regardless of your best efforts. For me, if it is that hard, I would always go ahead and send a detailed text message to convey those feelings across; that way, I am not completely facing the wrath of their reaction to my action.

We can get easily lost in this worldly system which is so fast paced and messages tend to be lost along the way and misconstrued and the single best way to fix that is the very old fashion way, TALK. Voice your opinion, make known your feelings and communicate your thoughts, otherwise, it is all in your head. Assumptions are dangerous, in these cases it was mild but I have seen people assume that others knew about information which could decide between life and death.

So if it is the fear of confrontation, rejection or whatever, go the easy route and send a detailed text message. The bottom line is, you have to talk, communicate to the other person and not assume because half of the time, it is never really what it seems.

Hope you are having a beautiful Wednesday. Thanks for stopping by always and do share, how are you feeling today?

Rosalind.

She flipped unto her side on the tiny mattress topper which served as her bed and the motion was interrupted by the wall. She adjusted herself to allow her petite frame back unto the bed. She squeezed her eyes tight as if trying to glue them together. It was at times like these that she wished she was blind. Recently, she fancied the idea a lot and wouldn’t have minded trading places with one if she could.

Not that there was anything to see.This night was just like all the others, nothing new about it. She knew the corners of this room all too well, it had been her Bastille for….? She couldn’t remember. How long had she been in here? She might have as well lost her memory, because she wasn’t sure of anything anymore. What month was it? Oh wait, what year was it? She sighed. Disappointment washed over her. She tried to see the room in her mind’s eye.

The 1-inch mattress topper was lying in the right corner of the room, there was a tray of food next to it but she couldn’t remember what food it had been. Her clothes were sprawled all across the room and in the far left corner, there was a pink potty trainer. She gasped and tightened her eye muscles, there was really nothing to see in here but for smell and hearing.

The room had a stench to it, the air was a mixture of feces, pee and vomit. She had learned rather sooner to get use to it, so it didn’t bother her anymore. It was all hers. She slept in it and lived with it. It had soon brought her some unwanted guests that she wasn’t sure how to deal with – rodents. She called them her room-mates.Many a days she had found herself talking to them like they could actually hear her. Those were her good days.

She could hear the melodies drummed up by the different appliances through the house. The engines from the fridge and A/C unit were going at full speed forming a breezy noise. The doors were releasing crackling noises and the TV was at maximum volume. With all of that, she wondered why he still needed extra sources of noise when he came for her.

The lone window was completely sealed with aluminum foil so she couldn’t hear people outside. Or so she thought. She lived in abstract darkness. She imagined it be a beautiful night out; the sky would be clear, no signs of any clouds, the moon bearing down on earth like it was God’s night watch for it, the air crisp and the atmosphere alluring.

She imagined walking on the curb, alone or maybe with someone, chatting away, listening to the varied laughs and watching people go about their business. A faint smile curved the corner of her mouth.She stumbled on her own laughter,happiness. You have such a beautiful smile. She had heard that a lot but now wondered, if any one would see past the smile, when she forced one.

She jerked forward at an angle so high, her head hit the floor hard when she landed. She ignored the pain from the encounter but started trembling terribly, her hands and feet setting in motions that she couldn’t seem to stop nor control. It was that time. It was the hour.

You are ok. You are ok. You are ok.You are ok.

She started chanting to herself slowly. She could hear his footsteps, he was getting closer. Her heart was pounding against her chest, her chants were quicker now. Her limbs were oscillating faster, up and down the topper. She thought about commanding them to help her run, but decided against it. It was going to be a circular run in a square room. No, she wouldn’t try that, she would save her energy.

She heard the door handle turn and the door swung open, a gust of cold air enveloped her. The door slammed shut and the footsteps continued their journey, intent on their mission, then stopped. She heard thumps of breath above and felt a presence towering over her, her teeth started gritting.

“You stink” said

New Series: Rosalind.

NB: Dear reader, thank you for stopping by. As my about page says, I am an aspiring author. Trying to better my skills, so I hope you enjoy the new series I have begun titled Rosalind. I will try to update every week. I would love criticism/feedback on the story itself and how I am doing as a writer. Thank you again for stopping by.

ROSALIND.

She flipped unto her side on the tiny mattress topper which served as her bed and the motion was interrupted by the wall. She adjusted herself to allow her petite frame back unto the bed. She squeezed her eyes tight as if trying to glue them together. It was at times like these that she wished she was blind. Recently, she fancied the idea a lot and wouldn’t have minded trading places with one if she could.

Not that there was anything to see.This night was just like all the others, nothing new about it. She knew the corners of this room all too well, it had been her Bastille for….? She couldn’t remember. How long had she been in here? She might have as well lost her memory, because she wasn’t sure of anything anymore. What month was it? Oh wait, what year was it? She sighed. Disappointment washed over her. She tried to see the room in her mind’s eye.

The 1-inch mattress topper was lying in the right corner of the room, there was a tray of food next to it but she couldn’t remember what food it had been. Her clothes were sprawled all across the room and in the far left corner, there was a pink potty trainer. She gasped and tightened her eye muscles, there was really nothing to see in here but for smell and hearing.

The room had a stench to it, the air was a mixture of feces, pee and vomit. She had learned rather sooner to get use to it, so it didn’t bother her anymore. It was all hers. She slept in it and lived with it. It had soon brought her some unwanted guests that she wasn’t sure how to deal with – rodents. She called them her room-mates.Many a days she had found herself talking to them like they could actually hear her. Those were her good days.

She could hear the melodies drummed up by the different appliances through the house. The engines from the fridge and A/C unit were going at full speed forming a breezy noise. The doors were releasing crackling noises and the TV was at maximum volume. With all of that, she wondered why he still needed extra sources of noise when he came for her.

The lone window was completely sealed with aluminum foil so she couldn’t hear people outside. Or so she thought. She lived in abstract darkness. She imagined it be a beautiful night out; the sky would be clear, no signs of any clouds, the moon bearing down on earth like it was God’s night watch for it, the air crisp and the atmosphere alluring.

She imagined walking on the curb, alone or maybe with someone, chatting away, listening to the varied laughs and watching people go about their business. A faint smile curved the corner of her mouth.She stumbled on her own laughter,happiness. You have such a beautiful smile. She had heard that a lot but now wondered, if any one would see past the smile, when she forced one.

She jerked forward at an angle so high, her head hit the floor hard when she landed. She ignored the pain from the encounter but started trembling terribly, her hands and feet setting in motions that she couldn’t seem to stop nor control. It was that time. It was the hour.

You are ok. You are ok. You are ok.You are ok.

She started chanting to herself slowly. She could hear his footsteps, he was getting closer. Her heart was pounding against her chest, her chants were quicker now. Her limbs were oscillating faster, up and down the topper. She thought about commanding them to help her run, but decided against it. It was going to be a circular run in a square room. No, she wouldn’t try that, she would save her energy.

She heard the door handle turn and the door swung open, a gust of cold air enveloped her. The door slammed shut and the footsteps continued their journey, intent on their mission, then stopped. She heard thumps of breath above and felt a presence towering over her, her teeth started gritting.

“You stink” said the husky voice.