Tag Archives: exes

Exes Diaries – What Would Have Been?

 

pink-sky-wallpaperI was admiring him looking at me, staring so piercingly as his placid breaths warmed the air between us. His big hazel eyes lit his entire face, his soft lips parted ways to reveal perfectly white teeth. That smile fluttered my belly and I immediately felt a gush rushing through me, brightening my countenance which spurred an involuntary reciprocity. His soft palms were caressing my hands in rhythmic motion, drumming up emotions in me I wasn’t sure I wanted to feel. If he had intentions of gingering me up for a big finale in a few minutes, then he was well on his way to it if I didn’t jolt myself back to my senses soon.

I pulled my hand from under his and stood up briskly. I didn’t want him seeing how flushed he had made me or notice how quickly my heartbeat was rising as I sauntered slowly over to the couch.

‘Did I do something wrong?” he uttered in a confused tone.

“No…No, you didn’t do anything. I …”   I what? I needed to choose my next words carefully so I didn’t hurt him any further than he already seemed to be.

Tyler was my course mate who happened to be in the same group project with me during my freshman year at the university. He told me after one of our group meets that he liked how smart I was and would like to study together.Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we started spending too much time together, we would either be at a group session or in some corner studying.

Somehow, it must have gotten lost on him that we were just course mates because he would offer to walk with me to school and always happened to have lunch right were I did, and so we would end up eating together.

He could have been a good 5’7” and then some.He didn’t work out but he had the body of a soccer athlete and perfect brown skin. His finely chiseled features and hazel eyes completed and established him as a reputable hunk. His self-confidence was alluring and often spoke for him even before he could open his mouth. In spite of himself, he was always soft spoken, kind and warm with everyone around him.

I wondered how we even got to this point. What did he really like about me? All I had going was being one of the smart ones. I mean I was beautiful, but I wasn’t your typical drop-dead-gorgeous-kind-of girl and many of them openly lusted after him. Why didn’t he go for…

“You what? …Stacy?” His alarmed voice jarred me out of la-la land.

“I… I like you very much Tyler..”

“But…”

“But I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship yet. I would very much like to remain friends though”

He slumped forward, dropping his head in his hands as he did.

I could feel him hurting from where I sat and I hated that I was the source of his pain. I could only imagine how disappointed he must have been hearing me say those words especially since it took him an entire semester to let me know he had feelings for me. We had become really close friends before the dinner with a mission to woo me.

He respected my decision and agreed to remain friends. He was cordial too the entire time he walked me back to my hostel, cradling my hand with his. I did feel special and I enjoyed every moment of that dinner I spent with him. He was a really sweet guy and it took me these many years later to realize how fragile he was; which could be the reason why he ignored me the next day when he saw me on campus. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to be friends anymore, but I see it now. How could he? How could anyone remain friends with someone they were strongly attracted to and yet know they couldn’t have them.

I never really had any concrete reasons for not dating him those years ago; maybe it was my own insecurity of not feeling pretty enough or maybe I truly wasn’t ready albeit that I was nineteen. Now I would never really know what could have been with Tyler.

 

 

 

Long After The Breakup

“Google is your friend!” I have heard that statement countless times and apparently, Google is indeed my friend; otherwise, how do I explain finding myself on the site and googling my ex almost a year after the breakup. (No, I am not a stalker).

I remember typing Google in the web browser, and I don’t remember planning to look him up but somehow that is what I was doing. That was after a fruitless search for him on Facebook which led me to the almighty search engine. I actually shocked myself at how engrossed I was into the articles I found on him on Google. Not that he is a famous person but let just say I updated myself pretty nicely on how he has fared. (Different address and found out he graduated with something else other than what he told me. Doesn’t matter now anyways).

Now you ask, why is she googling her ex? Well, for starters, he has been in my thoughts an awful lot lately and I don’t like it either. I have been talking to two guys who asked me out recently and we have been on a couple of dates.

These guys are both amazing…in their own way, and I have known them for a bit now but I am not in a relationship with either one, …yet.( I am not sure what I want. O to be a woman). But recently, I found myself comparing them to my ex. I found that I wanted them to be more like him or to love me the way my ex loved me.

That dude loved me. I had been in two relationships before him and I had thought I had been in love before then, but I was wrong. It was only when I dated him that I understood what it meant to love and be loved in return. He understood me like no one ever did before, he satisfied my ASD (Attention Seeking Disorder) in the relationship, he cared about my family and friends and even though he loved me as I was, he encouraged/motivated me to lose weight by highlighting the health benefits.

We had become friends first before lovers, so we talked about any and everything. Even when we ran out of what to talk about, we enjoyed the silence together, we prayed together, studied together, ate together, we did almost everything together and you wouldn’t even believe we were both in totally different continents but it always felt like he was right here because I could talk to him whenever I wanted to and he was always there. He was all kinds of right, until one the day, he was the worst kind of wrong.

We broke up after a year and a month, that was January this year. I thought I was over him until last week when my very close friend asked me about my dating life, and I kept telling her how I wished either of these two guys I was talking to could be a bit more like my ex. I wish they could be a bit more sensitive, perceptive, doting, caring and concerned in the case of one and in the case of the other, not too sensitive, or over perceptive or choke me with care. (I know, I sound confused).

Long story short, she said she thought I may still love my ex, reason why I keep comparing the guys I go on dates with to him and asked me to have an open mind.I thought about what she said and I think she is right, otherwise, what other explanation is there for my actions? I think of the other two guys and I go, “he (ex) wouldn’t do that, or he would say this or do this at this time or he was way caring”. Who does that?

I hurt myself all over again though, because I hate that he messed us up. We had something really special and amazing or so I thought,up until the mess he caused. He is the only guy who has loved me the way I wanted to be loved and treated. But like my friend said, if he was really that good, I wouldn’t be talking about him in past tense would I?

So in an effort to finally heal myself and rid my system of him, I went back to the good and almighty Google to search anything I could find on my current suitors. Guess what, there is nothing out there on them. At least, nothing interesting. I guess I would have to find out the old-fashioned way, ASK THEM.

What about you? Have you ever googled an ex long after the relationship was over? Did you wish it wasn’t over and do you want him/her back? Have you ever compared potential lovers with an ex and how did you deal with it, because yours truly needs all the advice I can get on this one. Don’t forget to share how you are feeling today. Thank you for stopping by and have a blessed day.

 

 

They cheat, I suffer

I am amazing. I am pretty amazing. Those are the words I have been telling myself all morning. I am a wonderful human being. I love people and try to treat every body right. I do extremely well with my academics and I take my work seriously. I try to keep my spiritual on par with my reality and hope that it gets stronger each day. But how is it that as ‘amazing’ as I am, my partners (exes) have never seemed to realize that until after the fact.

You ask what got me thinking about this in the first place? I was talking to my girlfriend last night who just went through a break-up a week ago and was informing she was in a new relationship with a new guy. (by the way, let me just say the dude is all kinds of hotness and then some).

I will admit a part of me was happy when she told me last week she broke up with her boyfriend, which I thought was a little long overdue considering how shady he had gotten lately but I shamelessly said to her ” welcome back to the club girl. The single ladies club”. She knew of course I was joking, unbeknownst to her I meant it in part.

In our circle of five friends, I was the only one who somehow managed to find myself alone with myself. The other three are either married or engaged, so you can surely understand why I was a little happy my friend joined me in the group.I guess it’s true then what they say, misery sure loves company.

After our talk, I started analyzing my past relationships and why they didn’t work  out. The common factor amongst all three of my exes was cheating. The first one cheated with one of my close friends from school. I didn’t even know the second was cheating until we broke up four months after we started dating, courtesy of all the excuses and numerous places he always had to be, and using church as his cover. Now the third one couldn’t have proven the saying that “all men cheat” any better than he did. Weeks after running my unstable mouth to my friends that I could swear he wasn’t cheating on me, it turned out he was cheating after all.

The last ex hurt me more than the others because he knew what I had been through in the name of love and promised to be different.I came to love and trust this guy more than I had ever to loved or trusted any man before, and that was what I got. I should have known better I suppose.

So there I was thinking if there was something wrong with me so much that, all the men I had been with had to seek for the solution outside of our relationship. Was there something more they needed that I wasn’t giving them? Was I not enough? If the first one sought so much to humiliate me, why did it have to be my friend? I am not the pestering kind in a relationship, so what is it about me that kept driving them to other women?

I am that girl who when in a relationship, I give my all. I give 120% expecting that I get back at least 99%. I am sure it is not asking too much for a man to reciprocate my actions in a relationship, now is it? It doesn’t have to be exact reciprocity. Just showing me that you are paying attention is all I ever asked. But somehow, I am thinking that was too much or overwhelming for them. These negative thoughts had been getting a better part of me since the breakup last month and then I had this epiphany today.

It wasn’t me, it was them. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not making excuses for things that after evaluating myself I think could sure use a makeover (hello, my weight loss journey anybody?) . But I certainly cannot allow any man’s insecurities be the basis for my unhappiness. I have since found my glow again after the breakup but I didn’t stop thinking and today, I brought myself closure.

I am a good person. I am witty, strong-minded, driven , caring, loving, nurturing, patient, kind, sharp,  very much a realist as I am an idealist, spiritual, loves to read on broad subjects,  very opinionated , loves adventures, traveling and forgives easily but doesn’t forget. I do have moments of random stupidities, occasional outburst and a very worrisome mind.

So yes, I am amazing but I do not claim to be better than anyone, not even the women who were used to drivel pain my way. But I am in a better place emotionally and mentally than I was last month, last week and even this morning. I have had this particular conversation with myself over and over for the last few days and I am glad I ended here.