Category Archives: life

The Wait!

stock-photo-d-human-waiting-with-alarm-clock-111105164So you finally graduated and you are wondering why the job isn’t forth coming? Or you thought you had your life all planned out; graduated by 22,  got a job on the verge of 23 and 2 promotions later, you are ready to “settle” down at 26 but the partner is nowhere to be found. Better still, you got the job and have been working extra hard, more than anyone else in the office for that promotion you deserve but at last, it goes to someone else. What do you do? What do you do when all that you are praying and working for is eluding you and you seem to be in a hollow with everyone and everything else passing you by?

I call that hollow the Waiting Period and I have become all too acquainted with it recently. It seems the harder you try, the more your efforts fall by the wayside. You begin to feel resentful and frustrated. You get easily irritated and emotions that were so far removed from you, start sipping into your heart like jealousy and envy. You wonder why things are so rosy and easy for others yet, difficult and burdensome for you. (By the way, it is perfectly normal to feel that way, what is abnormal is how you react to those feelings).

By nature, I am a very impatient person (praying I get better). So you can only imagine how frustrating it has been experiencing this wait period. The pressure was getting to me and I found myself going through all the motions. So I went to the only place I know to seek relief and counsel. So on Saturday I visited the priest of my church and disclosing all that I was feeling, he reminded me of God’s love. That when things don’t work out, it could usually be one of three answer (not yet, no and yes). And being the Omnipresent God that He is and having better plans for us to prosper, He knows ultimately what is best for us. So when things don’t work out like we thought they should’ve, we need to pause and be thankful even in disappointment. He told me to be diligent in the wait, have faith, hope and continue praying.

The fact that these things haven’t happened yet doesn’t mean that they won’t. It’s only a matter of time before that one job is a yes, that God-ordained partner strolls into your life or that promotion drops in your laps. The most important thing is that you stay seeking and remain open to those new experiences that would be coming through. The vessel needs to be ready when God is ready to use it and that’s what we should all be doing while we wait.

Whatever you are believing and waiting on God for, be diligent, resilient and hopeful. Because it is in how diligent we are in the wait that God would be diligent in providing that which we wait for. No matter how frustrating the wait is, tell yourself, your better days are still ahead of you.God has got you and before you know it, it would be all history. Have an amazing day lovelies and as always, thank you for stopping by.

Of These I Dream Of You…

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I know every line on your face; the permanent wrinkles on your forehead stressed from past unrequited love, the dent in your cheeks when you are amused and the crease in your chin when you laugh too hard. I like that these lines are my secret window into your soul; revealing your angst when you’re trying to be calm, unveiling your passion when you’re trying to be brave and showing your tenderness when you’re trying to be tough. I know all the lines in your face because I have dreamt it up more times than I can remember. It’s not only the face, it’s your being and the experiences that sum-up the man you are. Of these I dream of you.

That our meeting would be an epic comedic scene that even Jim Carrey couldn’t conceptualize if he tried to. And whether it’s in public or private, you would have eyes for no one else but me because in that moment, you’d be too entranced by my aura and vying for my attention desperately. Some wooing dates later and we would be an official pair, caught up in our own love story – an extraordinary love affair.

I dream of every moment spent with you being an adventure; that even though we are celibate, we’re comfortable exploring the subject. How you make me feel like the only girl in the world with your piercing glare and how even in the silence, you are one with my soul.

I have dreamed of the fights too and boy do they terrify me. That I would loose the one best thing that has happened to me in a while because of a loud mouth that must always blab everything that comes to it. How the need to assert my independence makes you proud yet frustrated. That all these years later, I never learned how not to pick my nose and how you hate that I am really not as confident as I’d like people to think.

I would dream of you choosing us over and over again when we seem to be at the end of our road. How you’d embrace my family and make it yours, and how you’d be the friend that my friends don’t talk to often but when they do, you had never left. That every tear shed braises your heart to reaffirm to you why you’d try hard to never see them again.

And I dream that home would be anyplace we are together, that you’d cherish my random dancing spurts and tolerate my temporary insanities. That when my weight retreats me into a cocoon, you’d know just how to bring me out. And I’d love how despite these, you’d love me aggressively. I dream that you’d come to appreciate my over vivid imaginations sometimes, because as you can already tell, I live in my head a lot. These are the things I dream of you.

Faith vs Ideologies

Come Sunday, we would be celebrating Christ’s resurrection and with that, mark the close of Lenten season. I must admit that I didn’t quite abide by all the rules of Lent per my catholic doctrine which was unintentional. During this whole period, one question has repeatedly popped up in my mind. How do I marry my Christian faith with my personal ideologies?

I guess some people would be justified to raise an eyebrow in wonderment since our ideologies are often times formed by our foundation in Christianity, which is perfectly understandable. And others might probably not understand why a parallel would exist in the first place between faith and personal ideologies because it would seem that faith gives rise to personal ideologies and they are not mutually exclusive. But I beg to differ.

I grew up in a very religious home; went to morning mass with my mom every morning, diligently observed all holy obligations, took part in church activities when I wasn’t in school and was very convinced I had the calling to be a nun ( topic for another day). At first, these were things I did because my mom introduced us to them and per my culture, you do as you are told. As I got older, I understood why I did them and actually enjoyed being part of it.

As a grown woman with some life experiences in her years, the many different realities I have lived through both personal and otherwise have shaped some of my personal ideologies and brought me to many questions, debates and concerns that sometimes do not match what my faith dictates I practice. For example, I have only become comfortable calling myself a Feminist recently because of how sensitive that label can get sometimes. It is not the issue of being a feminist that conflicts with my faith but the things I belief in espoused by that label. Like how I am completely for the woman having control over her OWN body and for no one to dictate to her what she can or cannot do to it. And how one of the things that she could do to it is frowned upon by my faith.Or how people who share my faith use it to hurt others in the guise of following what the good book says.

My mom would be the first to tell you I ask too many questions and the habit seem to only get worse as I age. I have become too critical of everything that I question even the things that seem obvious. And have you noticed that the more questions you ask, the less answers you find? (At least for me). That’s why I have been pondering how I can reconcile the two together. My faith reflects my ideologies but my ideologies do not always reflect my faith and there in lies the problem. I am a believer and I recognize that Christ paid all the debt for my sake. I also realize that He gave me the mental capacity to question the things that I don’t understand, to seek a answers to the things that puzzle me and above all, look to a higher power for calmness within me. I just can’t seem to find the answer to this particular question which has left me befuddled.

Does anyone else find themselves in this predicament or is it just me? If so, please share, It would be good to know that there are practicing Christians who hold values outside of the norm and hear how they deal with them. As always, thank you for stopping by, I very much appreciate it. Say, how are you feeling today?

An African In Session.

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I talked about finding one’s self in the last post (still in the search), but that’s not the only thing I have been up to these last weeks. If you have been following my blog, then you should know that I lost my older sister in the summer of last year. Recently, I have not been able to stop thinking about her and it almost feels as though I am grieving anew. You should also by now that I have been struggling with my weight since before the inception of this blog. So between finding myself, battling with my never-ending weight issues and grieving for my sister, I was becoming depressed.

I remember two days in row last month when I lost interest in everything; even in my studies which I believed was the one thing I would never loose interest in. To the point of not studying enough for an upcoming test that week and sitting for that test knowing full well I wasn’t prepared. Needless to say I flunked in magnanimous proportions on that test; proportions that have never been associated with me before. Yet, I “didn’t give ” a flying fish.

Not caring whether I failed an exam or not really scared me. I had read that loosing interest in the things that one cared a lot for in the past were tell-tale signs of imminent depression. Knowing that it could lead to something dangerous if not addressed sooner, I emboldened myself and made an appointment to see a counselor at school. You might ask why embolden?

For starters, if you missed it on my about page, then you should know I am Cameroonian from Central Africa. As per my culture, talking to ‘shrinks’ is absolutely unacceptable. Africans ‘believe’ that we don’t need to be sharing our problems with random strangers and if there’s anything to talk about, then a family meeting would be just fine to take care of that. I’d be honest that I did ascribe to these ideologies at some point, but living in America these many years later, I have a different perspective. I understand the importance of having that neutral person to open up to, who wouldn’t judge you and who is just listening to you pour your heart out. I think it is a really beautiful thing which is one of the reasons I started writing too and have not revealed my identity yet. Because I believe there’s some power that anonymity provides and allows you to speak from the heart unlike when you are familiar with your audience.

Despite all this knowledge, I had to talk myself into keeping the appointment because a part of me still thought it odd to talk to a complete stranger about my feelings. So I had to convince myself that fulfilling this was very important and so it was that I found myself face to face with a counselor.

After basic introductions, we both sat down across from each other and he asked me why I felt the need to see a counselor. A few minutes passed between us before either one said anything. Then he repeated himself and I blurted out an awkward laugh. Thankfully, he was very gracious to recognize that my nerves were getting the better part me. More time lapsed before I could muster the courage to talk and speak freely.

It was one of the most freeing experiences I have had in a long time and I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner. It felt good sitting there , pouring my heart out to an unassuming person and for them to encourage me to talk about the feelings that I was even oblivious to these weeks. Things I thought I had forgotten reared their ugly heads again and things I didn’t even know existed where just lying in a corner waiting for the ‘right’ time to surface.  The session lasted for an hour and by the end, I must have cried a river because my face was all puffed up from the constant streaming of tears and my nose was blocked.

He suggested I return for a follow-up session and again I was hesitant. Going back would mean I have a fully manifested problem which needed fixing, which would mean I needed fixing, which would mean I am broken. But I don’t believe I am broken, let alone that I needed fixing. It took a bit of convincing on his part for me to agree on a second session. I understood from him that the ‘stigma’ about therapy isn’t reserved to Africans only but even to some western folks whose issue with it is the ‘fixing’.

I know Christians might say well, you have God to talk to, to which I say God in the scriptures encourages us to confess our sins to one another. The act of confessing things to someone else in itself is a form of counseling. And I know of a lot of Christians who could really use some counseling in their life but are either ashamed to go for it or are being to hard on themselves for their faith not being enough. (this deserves it’s own post in entirety.) It has little do to with your faith and more about your mind-frame. Your mind might be attacking itself and making it hard for you to accept the grace that your faith provides and this is where a counselor is very helpful.

What are your views on attending counseling? If for, have you been and what was your experience like and if against, why? As always, thank you for stopping by and I love you for it.

Have a sunny peachy day.

 

 

‘Hater’ Alert!!!

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How many times a day do you hear or read the word ‘hater’ either on social media or regular conversation? How often do you read it in FB statuses or comments on blogs/articles? Or are you one of those who easily gravitate to that word in defense of your opinions or in response to someone else’ opinion?

Well, regardless of your usage of the word; if you are a social media practitioner, then you have probably come to accept the term ‘hater’ as part of normal day-to-day discourse. Although there are scenarios in which usage of the word is appropriate,  often times those scenarios are few and far between.

The world over has become a village of overtly sensitive people; many people have become passive consumers that they no longer try to think for themselves or even aim to stand out from the crowd. It seems to be expected of us to not only dress-alike, eat the same things or even do the same mundane things. Heaven forbids that anyone steps out of this ‘norm’ and they are immediately tagged a ‘hater’.

I am always puzzled when I peruse through FB and read the countless statuses addressing haters, wondering how said poster knew of their haters if they themselves where not hating in return. I fail to see a ‘hater’ just because someone gave you constructive criticism or when they either reason differently from you or live opposing lives to yours.

Now, you have people who use it as a defense mechanism for poor choices, those who  use it as an excuse to be lazy and yet, others who use it as a shield to avoid criticism. The word has been so over-used that it is loosing its meaning. It would soon be on the same list as cursed words, that is if it is not already there.

We have become an abhorrently politically correct culture that anyone who dares to be different or to have a contrasting view on  the subject being discussed is easily branded a ‘hater’.  This view is very simplistic at best and ignorant at worst because people are always going to have diverse views and ideologies.

Dictionary.com defines a ‘hater’ as someone who has an intense dislike for another person or thing. Intense dislike is a very strong emotion, think about it. Not everyone who doesn’t agree with you or who lives differently from you is out to get you or feels that strongly about you especially when they don’t know you in person.

The beauty of our world is in our differences in opinions and individuality. I guess I am beckoning to your inner being then; to not care too much about what people would think but ‘do you’, be more open to others’ views, don’t be quick to dismiss criticism for it could hold a lesson, and be more accommodating to others’ choices too.

And if you don’t agree with this article, then you are just a ‘hater’. (pun intended).

Love Actually !?!?!?!?!?

It is the longest and oldest race ever run and the stiffest pursuit many have faced and yet, the world or most of us are still chasing it – Love. It is because of love that Romeo and Juliet died, it  was for the same reason that King Edward VIII abdicated the throne to be with his lover.

Love has been the reason behind some of the most heinous crimes known to man, and also the very reason behind the most unexpected kindness to man. Families have been known  to fall apart because of love when kids especially make “wrong” choices in partners. Love has brought the most unlikely people together and torn the most loyal of friendships into shreds.

Even the big book of Wisdom is not immune from the “wrath” of love; because Jacob loved Rachel so much, he endured an additional seven years of work after marrying Leah before he could finally be with his beloved.Rebekah loved and cherish one son over the other so much that she didn’t mind conning him out of his rightful blessings and the greatest love of all, that of Jesus Christ who died on the cross to save us all from eternal damnation.

With all of these, you would think that “we” have enough love lessons to learn from or maybe conclude that it is too cumbersome for one to deal with, but that is absolutely not the case. Everyone still yearns for that someone to call their own; someone to share experiences with and make memories that will stand time. Everyone hopes that love deals them a better hand and prays that they are lucky in love.

I have had countless encounters with love; some good, some bad, some outright bitter experiences but at the end of the day, I have found myself confused. I guess my dilemma at this point is when do you actually consider love to be love?

I am a very sensual person, sometimes too akin to my feelings and emotions. When I first meet someone that I like, I am sure like everyone else, there are those butterfly feelings. Granted they go away but that deep longing is always lingering around long after the butterflies have left.

But what is it then when you neither feel the butterflies nor the deep longing but clearly feel, to a large extend some level of connection? Or can the type of affection you feel toward somebody change to be another kind of affection? Say, at the beginning you are romantically and even sexually endeared to the person and after a while, you become more endeared to them in a casual/ brotherly way?

I am aware of cases where people who were formerly friend-zoned transitioned to become the lovers. In those cases, the affection changed from friendliness to something deeper. I am also aware that people break up when they don’t feel anything for each other anymore, when they feel they just can’t make it work. But my bind here is this, what about those people who know for sure they feel something but can’t quite define it?

I guess what am asking is what happens when the butterflies go away, when the longing and yearning for one another diminishes or disappears in some cases, when the spark is lost, and when desire is gone? What happens?

I often wonder how couples, my parents inclusive are able to stay with the same person for that long. I understand that the “how to” business thrives on couples but outside of that, what keeps people together really? Love actually or the realization that that is the best they might ever get and stick with it? Or is it a calculated decision? (believe it or not,some peoples’ decisions to stay in a relationship are influenced by the economic advantages/disadvantage of staying).

Life is difficult as it is already (well, for most of us anyways who are in the 1%), add love to the mix and you are faced with a complex situation which can go either of two ways. If you are dealt the right cards, it eases your life because it provides you a partner to share experiences and struggles with. But if you are unlucky, you might as well be digging your own grave because there is no telling how bad it is going to get and how soon.

Yet again, there are those of us who are in a lurch, neither knowing what or how to describe what we feel and yet unwilling to let the other party go.Sure it is unfair to them, but then, there is that future uncertainty and the promise that time gives us, that things could change for the better or worse still.

One thing I know for sure though is that love is indeed a beautiful feeling and my wish is for everyone to experience it at least once in their lives. I have experienced amazing selfless love and right now, I am sort of in limbo about my exact feelings at the moment but hope I can resolve it.

I wish you all love today and hope we all experience it today either by receiving or giving. Have a blessed rest of the week and as always, any love tips, advice, experiences are welcome.Happy Wednesday folks.

Who needs a man? Definitely not me.

“I want a man who will make me laugh”. ” I like a guy who is funny”. ” he should have a good sense of humor”.

That is the first thing I always hear girls/women say every time they are asked, “what are you looking for in a man?” and it always leaves me shocked somewhat. And every time I hear that, I always answer/ say to myself, “naa, I don’t need a man to make me laugh,I am funny all by myself”. I have said that to myself so much that it is almost like a reflex action, as soon I hear that question, my answer is always right on cue.

Surprised?. You shouldn’t be because I am not just funny, I am hilarious.(don’t misinterpret this as pride). I remember the last job I worked at, the one time I walked in there moody, every one was asking me if I was alright and I was wondering why. So I asked one of my inquirers and she said, they had never seen me frown or sad, I was always happy and jovial and so they were genuinely concerned.

Recently, I missed class three times in a row for a course I was taking over the summer and when my classmates checked on me, the first thing they said was class wasn’t the same without me. They missed my jokes and laughter and one of them said, he liked how I always laughed even when something wasn’t not funny.

Enough praises already but you get the idea.(My aunt says one of the things she admires in me is how I don’t wait for anyone to praise me, I go right ahead and pat myself on the back when I accomplish something, who does that? Topic for another day) I don’t exactly think myself funny enough to humor others but somehow, people think I am funny.

I am that person who always and as cliché as it sounds, looks for the silver lining in everything. Sometimes I feel like someone should have a hidden camera in my car because that is where I have the most fun. I am a bit of a talkative and tend to have the urge to comment on everything I see, plus I am easily amused and I laugh a lot.

I am sure we can all agree that you come across the funniest things, thoughts and people while behind the wheel. Now where I may be different from you is , I vocalize those thoughts; somehow it always comes out funnier than I saw it or thought it and I find myself laughing hysterically for minutes on end. I am sure some drivers who have met with me at a red light have probably thought to themselves “who let this nut job on the road?”

I have been stressed up sometimes about situations and like every Christian, I went down on my knees to talk to God about it, sometimes wailing seriously, only to find myself laughing to the point of tears at the whole situation minutes later. I am the girl who laughs when someone else is laughing just because they are laughing. I am the girl who would think about a past event and laugh myself to the floor, I am sometimes the only girl laughing in the movie theater at a scene that every one thought was unfunny and I am usually the first one to laugh and the last one to stop laughing in a circle.

I laugh at myself, my stupidity, my mistakes, my flaws, my shortcomings. I laugh at people who take themselves too seriously when they shouldn’t, I laugh for people who are too beaten or have too much egos to laugh at themselves, I laugh at the little things, I laugh at the big things, I laugh even when I have no reason to laugh at all. Laughter like crying is very therapeutic. Where crying lightens the burden, laughter takes it away, though only for a brief moment.(Research is still pending)

I guess I inherited this somewhat free spirit from my mother ( this lady deserves a post or two all by herself) because she is the only one whom I know that doesn’t take things too seriously. It doesn’t mean I am masking anything or hiding behind laughter to avoid the things that I must do, It simply means that I have control over them. They are things/issues after all and I am the human. I just choose to laugh at them first before I deal with them and sometimes after too.

What am I saying? Kudos to all those who need people to make them laugh especially men. Me, I have so much more I expect from “my” man than his sense of humor, like how about his relationship with Christ?, does he share my core values towards family and how is his temperament? (yep, I need to know that because yours truly has the tendency to go crazy sometimes. Shocker.)

I have all these and more to worry about than his sense of humor, and if he has one, then it is a bonus for us. (laughing now at the picture of me and “my husband” always laughing at God knows what). If he doesn’t, oh well, he need not bother because I am funny for both of us.

So there, I don’t need a man to make me laugh because I am funny all by myself. What about you? Do you need a partner who makes you laugh or how do you approach life? Do you think life is a joke that like me, you are constantly laughing at? I would love to read your take. Meanwhile, Hope you have a wonderful day ahead. Don’t forget to share, how are you feeling today?.