2014 ends in two days, ushering in 2015. In the last weeks leading up to the new year I have been doing a lot of reflections. Sometimes consciously and other times randomly. It wasn’t so much of a great year for me as I had hoped. So many challenges I faced and so many new things I discovered about myself this year.
Just two days ago, I was having a slumber party with a girlfriend and we got talking about men and relationships and I realized, I am totally okay being alone. After my breakup in January of this year, I got the chance to go on a few dates and meet different men, but not once did I feel the pressure to say yes to their proposal of a relationship. It took 2014 to make me understand the reason why I got into a relationship that almost ruined me a few years back was because of pressure, the need to belong.
I had been going through a dark time that year especially and nothing seemed to work in my favor. Every where around me, my friends were all happy and achieving great things and meeting amazing men and I literally had nothing going for me. I felt like a failure, which pushed me to get into a relationship with someone I knew from the beginning wasn’t right for me but did it anyways because I was desperate to show people that I was capable of getting a man too.
This year though I discovered a whole new me in that regard. I had two friends get engage this year, one got married and two had babies, all happy events and from the bottom of my heart, I was and I am happy for my friends. But I did not feel the pressure of trying to get with the next man as if I had something to prove. It felt good to go on a date without the expectations of it turning into something more.
I have always been an introvert, never liked parties or being in huge crowds but I was made to feel as though something was wrong with me for being the way I am. It is not that I don’t like people’s company, It is that I like my own space and I am more of a one-on-one social person instead of the crowds. So this year, I discovered nothing is wrong with me and just as it is normal for people to enjoy being in crowds, it is as much normal for me to enjoy my own space.
I discovered that it is completely okay for me to say how I feel and I am especially thankful to WordPress for helping me find my voice. When I started this blog, I knew what I wanted it to be about, to share my challenges and experiences and hope to encourage someone or be in turn encouraged, but I was afraid. What if nobody even bothered to read, what if people criticized me instead or didn’t accept my views? But I realized that not every one has to like me, not every one has to accept my views and yet, I am totally and completely allowed to have those views, to have a voice, to say what I feel whether or not anybody reads.
I discovered that sometimes, you just need to go with the flow and not plan every detail because half of the time, it never works out the way we intend to. All the resolutions that I had for 2014 practically never materialized, not one. So for 2015, I have nothing. No resolution. Except to live, take it one day at time and embrace the changes if any as they come. So much I want to do but no plans or resolutions, I am going to live them and do them as God gives me life.
I discovered that despite my best efforts, things would always go wrong. The financial challenges this year were enormous. Twice I was close to being homeless and I am still bordering on the gate right now and this is despite my best financial responsibilities. I am not one to misuse money or spend frivolously and I always budget my funds, somehow, it is never enough. I have learned to deal with the uncertainty better. Before I would be freaking out and be near a panic or anxiety attack but now, I take a deep breath and calm myself down, because a solution I found only comes when I have a clear mind.
This year I discovered the power of God and that despite my good plans, His plans are always better. There is this game the devil always plays, at least I know he does with me. When he knows that I need something badly from God and I don’t get it, he plays this trick with my mind like “maybe he is not listening to me or he doesn’t think I deserve what asked for”. Soon after, I would feel beaten down, defeated and a looser. Thanks to my mother, now I know better that when a prayer goes unanswered, it is not because God is ignoring me or He thinks I don’t deserve it. He gives one of three answers always , yes – when He approves of my want, wait – when the timing for my want is not right or no – when he has something better, a better plan for me.
By many standards, whoever is judging, this year would be termed a failure for me but I take it in stride with gratefulness to God for having allowed me to see this year and hopefully the next. I may have not achieved half of the things I hoped for but I guess that’s the reason why the saying “where there is hope there is life” exist. If I were to attempt at a resolution this year, then it would be to “live my best life” as Oprah would say it. To grab every opportunity which comes my way, to look at the bigger picture always while savoring the moment I am given, to be a better version of me this time next year, to be a better daughter, sister, friend, and especially a better CHRISTIAN.
Do you care to share your reflections about the year? What did you discover about yourself? What are you grateful for?
Happy New Year to all and see you in 2015.