Long After The Breakup

“Google is your friend!” I have heard that statement countless times and apparently, Google is indeed my friend; otherwise, how do I explain finding myself on the site and googling my ex almost a year after the breakup. (No, I am not a stalker).

I remember typing Google in the web browser, and I don’t remember planning to look him up but somehow that is what I was doing. That was after a fruitless search for him on Facebook which led me to the almighty search engine. I actually shocked myself at how engrossed I was into the articles I found on him on Google. Not that he is a famous person but let just say I updated myself pretty nicely on how he has fared. (Different address and found out he graduated with something else other than what he told me. Doesn’t matter now anyways).

Now you ask, why is she googling her ex? Well, for starters, he has been in my thoughts an awful lot lately and I don’t like it either. I have been talking to two guys who asked me out recently and we have been on a couple of dates.

These guys are both amazing…in their own way, and I have known them for a bit now but I am not in a relationship with either one, …yet.( I am not sure what I want. O to be a woman). But recently, I found myself comparing them to my ex. I found that I wanted them to be more like him or to love me the way my ex loved me.

That dude loved me. I had been in two relationships before him and I had thought I had been in love before then, but I was wrong. It was only when I dated him that I understood what it meant to love and be loved in return. He understood me like no one ever did before, he satisfied my ASD (Attention Seeking Disorder) in the relationship, he cared about my family and friends and even though he loved me as I was, he encouraged/motivated me to lose weight by highlighting the health benefits.

We had become friends first before lovers, so we talked about any and everything. Even when we ran out of what to talk about, we enjoyed the silence together, we prayed together, studied together, ate together, we did almost everything together and you wouldn’t even believe we were both in totally different continents but it always felt like he was right here because I could talk to him whenever I wanted to and he was always there. He was all kinds of right, until one the day, he was the worst kind of wrong.

We broke up after a year and a month, that was January this year. I thought I was over him until last week when my very close friend asked me about my dating life, and I kept telling her how I wished either of these two guys I was talking to could be a bit more like my ex. I wish they could be a bit more sensitive, perceptive, doting, caring and concerned in the case of one and in the case of the other, not too sensitive, or over perceptive or choke me with care. (I know, I sound confused).

Long story short, she said she thought I may still love my ex, reason why I keep comparing the guys I go on dates with to him and asked me to have an open mind.I thought about what she said and I think she is right, otherwise, what other explanation is there for my actions? I think of the other two guys and I go, “he (ex) wouldn’t do that, or he would say this or do this at this time or he was way caring”. Who does that?

I hurt myself all over again though, because I hate that he messed us up. We had something really special and amazing or so I thought,up until the mess he caused. He is the only guy who has loved me the way I wanted to be loved and treated. But like my friend said, if he was really that good, I wouldn’t be talking about him in past tense would I?

So in an effort to finally heal myself and rid my system of him, I went back to the good and almighty Google to search anything I could find on my current suitors. Guess what, there is nothing out there on them. At least, nothing interesting. I guess I would have to find out the old-fashioned way, ASK THEM.

What about you? Have you ever googled an ex long after the relationship was over? Did you wish it wasn’t over and do you want him/her back? Have you ever compared potential lovers with an ex and how did you deal with it, because yours truly needs all the advice I can get on this one. Don’t forget to share how you are feeling today. Thank you for stopping by and have a blessed day.



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