Grieving, Or Lack Thereof

I woke up this morning not very bright or positive, and I wasn’t my usual bubbly self either but I wasn’t sure why. I proceeded with my day and updated this blog, then I went to work. I work with kids and there is no way to be gloomy around them. So I went about my work duties.

At about 10am this morning, my dad called me and the first thing he said was ‘I should hold my mind and be strong’. My adrenaline shot up and I began to panic. All kinds of things started going through my mind and then he repeated himself. This time, his voice was shaky and I could feel the tears, pain, sorrow in his voice. My dad was crying.

I immediately remembered the only time in my life I had seen my dad cry before was when my grandmother, his mother died. I knew instinctively this wasn’t good. I braced myself. It took him another few seconds before he said my uncle was dead.

I had just brought my kids (the kids I nanny for) to a bookstore for story time and we were just about to alight from the car when my dad called. So I went still when he said that  and asked him which of my uncles. He replied me ‘Pa Georgy’ as we usually called him. My heart stopped.

He was my father’s older brother. I sat there and I didn’t know what to tell my dad. He was clearly distraught and I didn’t know what to tell him. I asked if he was sick and dad said he wasn’t. He said he actually spoke to him yesterday on new year’s day and that his wife said,they found him unconscious and rushed him to the hospital only for him to be pronounced dead.

My dad said he would let me know the funeral details later. I went in to the bookstore for story time and met a bunch of nannies. Everybody was in a good mood and talking and the kids were playing. I found myself putting up a face. I didn’t get a chance to sob even for a few minutes and I was on my feet all day.

But I did get a few minutes to myself here and there and I found that when I thought about my uncle, there were no tears. I felt sorry that he is dead. I felt bad about all the motions that my father must be going through because he was and is very close with all his siblings. I felt sorry for my cousins and his wife. I felt sorry for the whole family. I felt bad internally and really sad and sorrowful but I couldn’t bring myself to cry.

I was wondering if that made me a bad person. I knew my uncle, he visited often as did I and my siblings to his family. We are close with our cousins, so I expected that hearing such news, I would breakdown and fall apart. But I didn’t. I am confused this evening with myself. Per my culture, we grief very differently from others and our grief is very visible.

So I kind of felt disappointed that I tried to cry but I couldn’t. I know I miss my uncle so much. I had not seen him in seven years but I remember him vividly. In my mind’s eye, I could still see him cracking his very subtle jokes, making everyone laugh but himself and he had a walk that commanded respect and audience. I miss his laugh and his whole demeanor and I feel for my cousins who are now fatherless even though they are all adults.

I prayed and pray God receives him and that his soul does rest in peace, but I am wondering if the lack of tears or crying on my part, means I fell short of mourning my uncle. If it means that I didn’t grieve my uncle properly. I am sort of torn on how to grief for my uncle or the lack thereof of grief, for my uncle.

Uncle ‘Pa’ George, RIP . Until we meet again, we will all miss you. Rest in the bosom of our Lord Jesus Christ, for He alone knows best. We love you and miss you. We started the year with a bang I guess. My inner sarcastic self speaking.

Have a blessed night and please say a prayer for me and my family and my uncle. Thank you for stopping by and I would appreciate any kinds words you have for me during this difficult time.

Have a blessed night.

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